the Black Speaker
he shift?! I'm not exactly sure when it occurred. It might have been
in one moment or in countless. I think that perhaps it was a bit of
both. How could a conservative, sits in the corner, and
do-the-right-thing type of girl become a woman dancing with passion,
in a bar, on top of a speaker? Or, better yet, how could she not?!
his past summer was one of the most challenging of my life. I spent
my time trying to figure out the reason for my existence. I'm only 27
and there I sat with a husband, two children, a business, a mortgage,
and a load of questions about how the hell I ended up in this
position without being aware of it. I struggled to find a sense of
joy in my "mundane", boring, life and kept coming up with
what-ifs. What-if I had waited a couple of years to marry and had
gone abroad? What if I hadn't shunned the birth control pill because
of the hormones and had used it consistently? What if I had continued
with nursing, paper-science, journalism? What if...?
ne of my moments of clarity came on a Sunday afternoon on the deck of
a friend's house. After a few drinks we began talking about our
lives. We were all approximately the same age and we were all
experiencing the same dissatisfactions. I could have cried with joy.
I wasn't alone. Other people my age were going through the same
thing. It turns out that what I believed to be my own little crisis
was something that is a passage of life. John Mayer's term for it is
"quarter life crisis". I wholeheartedly agree. Never before
had I wanted to run away, buy a convertible, and find some beautiful
18-year-old blond to hang on my arm. But that is exactly where I
found myself. Dissatisfied, confused, but no longer alone.
t that point I realized that if something was going to be done to
change the way I was feeling, I would be the one who would end up
doing it. I sat down and looked at my life from many different angles
and thought up a list of things I really wanted to be doing. I then
formulated a plan on how to get there. I'm still working on most of
these ideas but I began moving in the directions that I needed to be.
I started to be very aware of everything that I consumed, physically,
mentally, and spiritually. I started to move. I took a dance class
and made it a point to get some form of movement in on a regular
basis. I started realizing the beauty in my life. My amazing children
and husband blew me away with their beauty. My friends were
reflections of me in ways I had never seen before. Blessings abounded
left and right and my confidence changed. It morphed into something
it wanted to be all along. My dull life was anything but. Every
moment held wonder and beauty and meaning. I was so happy to be
alive. So on that fateful Saturday night in the company of some
wonderful friends, I found myself on a speaker, dancing as if no one
and everyone were watching. Finding glory in just moving, finding
glory in being me, and finding the glory in my continued ascension.
Up black speakers and in life.