Every time I would think about sitting down to write this
article, I could feel this irritating amount of frustration,
resentment, and anger creeping it's way up my body. There were many
times when I just wanted to say that I was not going to have my writing
be a part of this edition of the newsletter. I was reminded that the
topic of grief happened to be my idea. I then realized that I had an
obligation to myself to get a few things off my chest.
Grief, for me, is an amazingly personal experience. I've never felt
comfortable enough to share it with even the closest of my friends or
family. I feel that this might be in part because I really am not in
touch with exactly how I'm supposed to be reacting to things that most
would consider to cause grief. Of course I see and understand that most
people sob and cry at a time of grief. I've tried this approach but
ultimately experience no relief. Maybe I've only touched on the surface
of a deep well of pain that needs more than the release of tears for
Another challenge is wondering how often
one can grieve over an issue before the pain is gone. I remember and
hurt over things that happened decades ago. It feels to me like I
revisit pains that should have been long buried. Why grieve when it
doesn't seem to subtract from the problem?
of dealing with things that, for me, are uncomfortable is to explain
them in a way that makes them impossible to overcome. It looks like I
have just done that with grief. The strange thing is that when you
don't deal with one emotion in its capacity it does it's best to
represent itself in another way. Physically you may experience pain.
(Or a burning red rash running up your neck.) Emotionally you may feel
frustrated, resentful, and angry.
So, it's time
for my personal exploration of my attachment to pain and my inability
to grieve. I find myself in tears watching families lose their loved
ones in the war. Maybe the tears I shed for them will contribute to the
healing tears I'm unable to shed for myself. At least it's a beginning.