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Good Grief!

Every time I would think about sitting down to write this article, I could feel this irritating amount of frustration, resentment, and anger creeping it's way up my body. There were many times when I just wanted to say that I was not going to have my writing be a part of this edition of the newsletter. I was reminded that the topic of grief happened to be my idea. I then realized that I had an obligation to myself to get a few things off my chest.

Grief, for me, is an amazingly personal experience. I've never felt comfortable enough to share it with even the closest of my friends or family. I feel that this might be in part because I really am not in touch with exactly how I'm supposed to be reacting to things that most would consider to cause grief. Of course I see and understand that most people sob and cry at a time of grief. I've tried this approach but ultimately experience no relief. Maybe I've only touched on the surface of a deep well of pain that needs more than the release of tears for freedom.

Another challenge is wondering how often one can grieve over an issue before the pain is gone. I remember and hurt over things that happened decades ago. It feels to me like I revisit pains that should have been long buried. Why grieve when it doesn't seem to subtract from the problem?

My way of dealing with things that, for me, are uncomfortable is to explain them in a way that makes them impossible to overcome. It looks like I have just done that with grief. The strange thing is that when you don't deal with one emotion in its capacity it does it's best to represent itself in another way. Physically you may experience pain. (Or a burning red rash running up your neck.) Emotionally you may feel frustrated, resentful, and angry.

So, it's time for my personal exploration of my attachment to pain and my inability to grieve. I find myself in tears watching families lose their loved ones in the war. Maybe the tears I shed for them will contribute to the healing tears I'm unable to shed for myself. At least it's a beginning.

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